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Classic ’98: Crisis in the Heartland This Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, October 18, 1998 On the weekend that Kenneth Starr released his Official Big Book o' Smut, I went to America's Heartland to …Click to Continue » Classic '98: It's a guy thing This Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, October 11, 1998 Today's Topic Is: Domestic Tips From Guys Guys do not get enough credit for being domestic. Click to Continue » Dave Barry: Sorry, I'm not feeling funny today — my heart aches for slain journalists Five newspaper people were killed yesterday at the Capital Gazette in Annapolis.But even this joyous event is not enough to cheer up a nation worried about the worsening economy, which becomes so badin . The stock market hits its lowest level since 1997; this is hailed as a great investment opportunity by all the financial wizards who failed to let us know last year that the market was going to tank.

The judges award Taylor 453 points out of a possible 30, citing his ``energy'' and ``proximity.''Abroad, North Korea, in what many observers view as a deliberate act of provocation, calls Domino's and, posing as the United States, orders 23 million pizzas delivered to Japan. The big health story in April is the rapid spread of swine flu, a dangerous new virus strain developed by the makers of Purell. Congress vows to hold hearings after reports surface that, of the nearly 100 million votes, 73 million were phoned in by ACORN.With this mission accomplished, the top Washington thinkers are free to train all of their brainpower on the nation's health-care system. In foreign affairs, former president Bill Clinton goes to North Korea to secure the release of two detained American journalists who purely by coincidence happen to be women. '' Wilson later apologizes for his breach of congressional etiquette, saying, ``I should have just mooned him.''With public support for the administration's health-care plan continuing to slip, the president orders U. troops into Fox News, then goes on a media blitz, appearing, in a three-day span, on Meet the Press, Face the Nation, Meet the Nation, Face the Press, Press Your Face Against the Nation, Letterman, Leno, Judge Judy, Iron Chef and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Chicago is considered a strong candidate, but despite personal appeals for the city from President Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, Mayor Richard Daley, Oprah Winfrey and the late Al Capone, the committee -- in an unexpected decision -- votes to hold the games in Pyongyang, North Korea. a Washington couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, penetrate heavy security and enter the White House, a feat that Joe Biden has yet to manage.President Obama becomes embroiled in controversy when, commenting on the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. James Crowley, he states that the police ``acted stupidly.'' This comment angers many in the law-enforcement community, as the president discovers the next day when his motorcade is cited for more than 3,000 moving violations. Fidel Castro, after nearly a year out of the public eye, appears on the popular Cuban television show Bailando con Cadáveres (``Dancing With Corpses''). The president also delivers a back-to-school speech to the nation's students, telling them to work hard and get a good education. The head of the IOC insists that the decision was ``made freely and without coercion,'' adding, ``for the love of God please abort the launch.''On a happier note for the White House, President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly edging out Beyoncé. As details of the incident emerge, an embarrassed Secret Service is forced to admit that not only did the couple crash a state dinner, but they also met and shook hands with the president, and they ``may have served briefly in the cabinet.''In other White House news, the president, in a much-debated post-Thanksgiving decision, announces that he is sending U. troops into the electronics departments of 1,400 Best Buy stores to prevent Black Friday shoppers from killing each other over flat-screen TVs.The Academy Awards are a triumph for Slumdog Millionaire, which wins eight Oscars, only to have them stolen by Somali pirates. To correct this situation, some congresspersons propose a 90 percent tax on the bonuses, followed by beheadings, followed by the passage of tough new financial legislation that nobody in Congress will read or understand. as leaders of the world's powers, looking for a way out of the worsening world economic crisis, gather in London for the G-20 summit, which ends abruptly in a violent argument over the bill for the welcoming dinner.In sports, the Pittsburgh Steelers win the Super Bowl, defeating some team in a game that we have all completely forgotten. In other economic news, the CEO of GM resigns under pressure from the White House, which notes that it inherited the automobile crisis from the Bush administration. A short while later, in what many economists see as a troubling development, the International Monetary Fund moves into a refrigerator carton.

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'' and later in the sense of ``I hope this year ends soon! President Obama then delivers an upbeat inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility and bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Among those who forgot this pesky chore is Obama's nominee for Treasury secretary, Timothy Geithner, who sheepishly admits that he failed to pay $35,000 in federal self-employment taxes.